Ten Reasons Not to Attend Church??
parish, the pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses
Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash,
1. I was made to wash as a child.
2. People who wash are hypocrites...
they reckon they are cleaner than other people
3. There are so many different kinds of soap,
I could never decide which one was right.
4. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
5. I still wash on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter
6. None of my friends wash.
7. Iím still young--when Iím older and have gotten a bit dirtier,
I might start washing.
8. I really donít have the time.
9. The bathroom is never warm or cool enough.
10. People who make soap are only after your money.
Ten other reasons Why I Never Wash, by John Ramsey
11. I watch other people washing on TV.
12. There are lots of clean people who never wash.
13. Weíve just moved here six years ago and havenít had a chance.
14. I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again!
15. I feel as close to washing on the golf course as I do in the bathroom.
16. I never wash when I have company.
17. Washday is the only day I have to sleep in.
18. My wife washes enough for the whole family
19. I know people who wash but donít act very clean.
20. Washing is the opiate of the masses.
Copyright 1992, John Ramsey advance permission for free use given to non-profit organizations.
Stray Thoughts of a Lutheran Layman
I used to work in a fire hydrant
I stayed up all night playing poker with
I went to a furniture store to look for
a decaffeinated coffee table.
Whatís another word for -thesaurus?-
When I get real bored, I like to drive
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box
in the backyard.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a
I replaced the headlights on my car with
I wrote a song, but I canít read music.
I got my driverís license photo taken
out of focus on purpose.
I went to a general store
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He canít get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didnít know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I have an answering machine in my car.
I went to a restaurant that serves
-breakfast at any time.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo
I have a hobby. I have the worldís
largest collection of sea shells.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
It doesnít matter what temperature the
If youíre not part of the solution, youíre part of the precipitate.
You canít have everything... where would you put it?
Right now Iím having amnesia and deja vu
at the same time.
I went down the street to the 24-hour
I love to go shopping. I love to freak
I installed a skylight in my apartment.
I was going 70 miles an hour and got
stopped by a cop who said,
One time a cop pulled me over for
running a stop sign.
The judge asked, What do you plead?
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away
For a while I didnít have a car...
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep
during the day
I bought a self learning record to learn
I was born by Caesarian section... but
not so youíd notice.
Well, you know when youíre rocking in a
I was reading the dictionary.
20th Century Religions
Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same
number of toys,
BíHai - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Letís play!
Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist - Once played, always played.
Jehovahís Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to- door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We donít care
where the toys came from,
Agnosticism - It is not possible to know
The Great Purple Dragon of Revelation
Iíve never liked Barney...now I know why.
1. Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2. Change all the Uís to Vís (which is proper Latin anyway)
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3. Extract all the Roman Numerals
C V V L D I V
4. Convert these to Arabic values.
100+5+5 + 50+500+1 + 5
5. Add them up. Ö 666
you have it! Proof that Barney is the Antichrist.
A Religious Conversion
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
ďTHE TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFEĒ
attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
Go to a
party and hide. When the women come out to dance,
God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a
to work seven years in exchange for a womanís hand in marriage.
200 foreskins of your future father-in-lawís enemies
no one is out there, just wander around a bit
the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents,
any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).
for your brother to die. Take his widow.
be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
We Want Results!
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates
and announces his presence
A preacher is next in line behind the
cabby and has been watching
The preacher is astonished and replies,
ďBut I am a man of the cloth.
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly:
ďHere we are interested