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Ten Reasons Not to Attend Church??

In one parish, the pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses
given over the years as to why people donít go to church,
included ďTen Reasons Why I Never WashĒ in the Sunday bulletin:

Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash,
by Rev. Sudney Laing of Dublin, Ireland

1. I was made to wash as a child.

2.   People who wash are hypocrites...

they reckon they are cleaner than other people

3.   There are so many different kinds of soap,

 I could never decide which one was right.

4. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.

5. I still wash on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter

6. None of my friends wash.

7.   Iím still young--when Iím older and have gotten a bit dirtier,

I might start washing.

8. I really donít have the time.

9. The bathroom is never warm or cool enough.

10. People who make soap are only after your money.


Ten other reasons Why I Never Wash, by John Ramsey

11. I watch other people washing on TV.

12. There are lots of clean people who never wash.

13. Weíve just moved here six years ago and havenít had a chance.

14. I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again!

15. I feel as close to washing on the golf course as I do in the bathroom.

16. I never wash when I have company.

17. Washday is the only day I have to sleep in.

18. My wife washes enough for the whole family

19. I know people who wash but donít act very clean.

20. Washing is the opiate of the masses.

Copyright 1992, John Ramsey advance permission for free use given to non-profit organizations.


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Stray Thoughts of a Lutheran Layman

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldnít park anywhere near the place.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.
They couldnít help me.

Whatís another word for -thesaurus?-

When I get real bored, I like to drive down town
and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if Iím leaving.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
I was an only child... eventually.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like Iím the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I canít read music.
Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think,
Hey, maybe I wrote that.

I got my driverís license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it
(moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly) ...
and says, -Here, you can go.

I went to a general store
but they wouldnít let me buy anything specific.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He canít get out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didnít know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I have an answering machine in my car.
It says, - Iím home now, but leave a message
and Iíll call when Iím out.-

I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.
You donít have to go.
Youíll just be walking down the street and...
oohh, thatís much better.

I have a hobby. I have the worldís largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.
Maybe youíve seen some of it.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

It doesnít matter what temperature the room is;
itís always room-temperature.

If youíre not part of the solution, youíre part of the precipitate.

You canít have everything... where would you put it?

Right now Iím having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think Iíve forgotten this before.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, Hey, the sign says youíre open 24 hours.
He said, Yes, but not in a row.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople.
They ask me if they can help me,
and I say, Have you got anything Iíd like?
Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, Extra medium.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.
The people who live above me are furious.

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?
Yes, officer, but I wasnít going to be out that long.-

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.
He said, Didnít you see the stop sign?
I said, Yeah, but I donít believe everything I read.

The judge asked, What do you plead?
I said, Insanity, your honor.
Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone.
When I came back the entire area was missing.

For a while I didnít have a car...
I had a helicopter... no place to park it,
so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.
[Slow glance upward.]

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day
because that means itís going to be up all night.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.
I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.
The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so youíd notice.
Itís just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

Well, you know when youíre rocking in a rocking chair,
and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards,
but at the last instant you catch yourself?
Thatís how I feel all the time.

I was reading the dictionary.
I thought it was a poem about everything.


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20th Century Religions

Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Anglican - They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.

Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.

Atheism - There is no toy maker.

Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.

Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys,
and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.

BíHai - All toys are just fine with us.

Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Letís play!

Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.

7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.

Baptist - Once played, always played.

Jehovahís Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to- door, wins.

Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism - We donít care where the toys came from,
letís just play with them.

Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys
make a bit of difference.


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The Great Purple Dragon of Revelation

Iíve never liked I know why.

1.    Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2.    Change all the Uís to Vís (which is proper Latin anyway)


3.    Extract all the Roman Numerals

C V   V   L  D I     V

4.    Convert these to Arabic values.

100+5+5 + 50+500+1 + 5

5.    Add them up. Ö 666

There you have it! Proof that Barney is the Antichrist.
Please pass this on to every prophecy student you know.
It is imperative that the truth gets out before it is too late!


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A Religious Conversion

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart
and back together again. The boy asked his father, ďWhat is this, Father?Ē
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded
ďSon, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I donít know what it is.Ē
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights
with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles
light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again
and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, ďGo get your Mother.Ē


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Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then sheís yours.
-- Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance,
grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a womanís hand in marriage.
Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman.
Then work another seven years for the woman
you wanted to marry in the first place.
Thatís right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut off 200 foreskins of your future father-in-lawís enemies
and get his daughter for a wife. óDavid (I Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit
and youíll definitely find someone. (Itís all relative of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents,
ďI have seen a ...woman; now get her for me.Ē
If your parents question your decision, simply say,
ďGet her for me. Sheís the one for me.Ē -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).
-- David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow.
(Itís not just a good idea, itís the law).
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Donít be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)


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We Want Results!

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence
to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry
for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe
and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching
these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter.
Upon scanning the preacherís entry in the Big Book,
St. Peter furrows his brow and says, ďOkay, weíll let you in,
but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.Ē

The preacher is astonished and replies, ďBut I am a man of the cloth.
You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe.
Surely I rate higher than a cabby.Ē

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: ďHere we are interested
in results. When you preached, people slept.
When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed.Ē


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